How the idea of a ‘separate self’ is destroying your relationship.

The separate-self

In 1637, French mathematician and philosopher, René Descartes, stated “I think therefore I am”. With that, he founded our persevering understanding of the self— that it is internal and separate from the world around us; and that it is the only thing that can be trusted to prove reality. Almost 400 years later we still tend to to conceptualize the self as operating best as fortified city. A fortified city is a good analogy because it is inwardly-contained, is in need of strong governance; and is in need of fierce protection.

This idea of a separate-self prompts us to view all other selfs as inherently selfish and self-serving. This leads us to trust only our own self as reliable and dependable. Because of this, we prize independence from other selves, competition with other selves, dominance of other selves, autonomy of our own self, and well…overall separateness. We view the marks of true maturity and growth as a movement toward these ideals; and away from the trusting dependence of childhood. Anyone not living up to these markers for success are viewed as flawed and weak.

I suppose this understanding of development makes sense. If children are inherently dependent, then adulthood should be its opposite, right? Well, I think not.

Maturing toward attachment

As we grow, we reach for deeper and more significant connections than we did in the previous developmental stage. We grow toward and through connection as we age, not away from it.

As babies we attach to our caregivers. As toddlers we attach to our siblings, cousins, or playmates. We explore our environments becoming more connected to it through play, and we learn through that play that the world is larger than the people in our own home. All through k-12 we are learning to connect. We are connecting to family, friends, teachers, mentors, coaches, and clergy. We are also connecting to music, art, history, science, math, literacy…all the things that make connection easier and more meaningful.

We continue to connect as we head off to college or the workforce. We went from connecting to family, then friends, and now we desperately want to connect with “our person”. That person is ours because we share the deepest connection, more than family or friend, they are our lovers. In them we put all our hopes and dreams for the future. They are the ones who can hurt us most deeply, yet the ones who can heal us most completely.

Independence

In connecting with our special person, we become more than ourselves, we become a family of our own, and as that family grows so too does our network of connectedness. You see, there really is no such thing as a separate-self, not in the way we like to think about it. There is no self apart from other selves— as we only know who we are by knowing who we are not— and we only know who we are not through experience with other selves. But if you think your self is separate from the world around you, or at the very least should be, then you will miss how truly dependent on one another we really are.

There really is no independence. I didn’t build the house I live in (though we say we built it because we paid for it to be built). I don’t grow the food I eat or make most of the clothes I wear (nor do I know the full process for how plants turn into my sweatshirt and get on Amazon for me to buy it)…yet I am sheltered, I am clothed, and I am fed. Not because I am independent can I do all these things, but because I am dependent on communities of people working in their respective fields so I can enjoy the fruits of their labor…and they can enjoy mine (like this blog post…share it with a friend will ya!).

Boundaries

In his musing on the self, Freud once said “Protection against stimuli is almost more important than reception of stimuli”.

We protect our self by erecting emotional walls— just like ancient cities erected physical ones. We feel the walls “protect us” from having our vulnerability exploited by others… and, in many cases that is true. However, in many other cases the walls we build are too effective; they end up “protecting us” from people who love, and genuinely want the best, for us. These people provide positive life experience— the very life experiences needed to live most abundantly.

By allowing these people to share themselves with us, and by also sharing ourselves with these people, we actually heal from any past relational trauma. We learn that there should be balance between protecting ourselves and loving unabashedly.

Dominance

When we have been hurt by people who are supposed to love us, we often respond by fortifying our walls. Worse yet, sometimes we seek to control those around us so we never have to be disappointed again. We impose our will on others in an attempt to control all the factors that could lead to our self being truly vulnerable. Control as a means of avoiding having all our deepest and darkest fears about our self confirmed seems to be a good strategy on the surface, but it is truly a fruitless pursuit.

For starters, you can never hide all your quirks and perceived flaws. They are what make you unique, and also what make you part of the human race. Our flaws, and the striving to overcome them, are the defining quality of our species. However, if we control others— either through positive or negative means— they never get to see those quirks, and if they never see them, then they can never blow our minds by accepting us anyway.

Second, its not love if there isn’t a choice. Think on that for a while.

Long story short

There is no such thing as a separate-self. We all grow through and toward connection in a physical and emotional sense. It behooves us to embrace this reality because if we don’t we might fall into the trap of exaggerated independence, aggressively rigid boundaries, and coercive dominance.

Want to connect with a therapist who can help you build growth-fostering relationships? Book your free consultation today.

dr.kay is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Partnership and Peace— a Houston, Texas based consortium of relational experts. CPP offers therapy and coaching for individuals, couples, families, and corporate communities.