The 5 good things of ‘growth-fostering relationships’ in relational therapy.
The 5 good things of ‘growth-fostering relationships’ in relational therapy.
Here at the Center for Partnership and Peace we are all about some growth-fostering relationships. We love them because they encourage movement from isolation into community; stretch us in all the good ways; help us understand ourselves, our partners, and the world better; and well…they promote our overall growth. In this blog we’ll talk about relational therapy’s “5 good things” of the growth-fostering relationships.
Zest | the flavor of life
Zest is the energy and excitement of life. It’s the wind in our sails, the rhythm of our dance, the flavor in our food, the sugar in our koolaid. When we are in growth-fostering relationships that push and pull us to go beyond the monotony of life, we experience the actual fullness of the human experience.
Sure, sometimes being pushed or pulled out of our comfort zones is uncomfortable. However, discomfort is necessary for evolution. Discomfort is what a flower feels before it bursts into bloom, or what butterflies feel as they struggle to exit their cocoons. Without the encouragement of our ace boon coon, our beau, our BFF, our momma, we will never know the extent to which we can feel and be felt.Knowledge | clarity of ourself and situation
Growth-fostering relationships increase our capacity to explore ourselves and other people we are in relation with. When we feel safe and secure in our emotionally, psychologically, and physically intimate interactions… we are much more likely to go exploring for deeper and more fulfilling experiences.
Like a kid on the playground who happily runs free…as long as they can see their caregiver from a distance, growth-fostering relationships add safety and stability to our lives. Let’s be honest, this world is ghetto. But when we have a tether, a person to call home, the world just feels better to be in. So, we’re able to venture further, climb higher, dive deeper. We’re able to explore the world, and in so doing explore ourselves. We become our fullest self not in isolation, but by interacting with other selves. By knowing them through experience, do we come to experience and know ourselves.Creative productivity | psychological freedom
Productivity (i.e. getting things done) and creativity (i.e. how we get things done) significantly increase when were are in growth-fostering relationships. To explain this, I’m going to teach you a fancy word, cognitive allotment. Cognitive allotment is the space in our conscious mind allocated to various tasks. This is important because we are all finite resources; and we only have so much of ourselves to extend in any given day. It is just not possible for us to give more than we have. That’s why its supper important to allocate our mental resources as efficiently and effectively as possible.
When we are in growth-fostering relationships that support and encourage us, we have greater psychological freedom because, we know we have people that will show up with a toolbox when something in our life breaks down. Therefore, the consequences of a mistake are not as severe as when we are moving through the world solo. Conversely, if we know we don’t have a crew to back us up in the inevitable event we make a mistake, we tend to be a lot more cautious—devoting significantly more time and energy to making decisions; and then worrying if we made the right choice.
The cognitive allotment for worrying takes away from the energy that we can use to actually be productive. Additionally, if we have to bear the full weight of any mistakes we make, we will likely make the safest choices possible. However, the safest choice is often not the most creative or fulfilling. Therefore, when we are present in growth-fostering relationships we are not only productive; we also tend to approach our tasks with a bit of flare or creativity. We can complete a task, and actually be done with it, instead of worrying if we made the right choice. This builds capacity for great creative productivity.Self-worth | knowing you matter
Here at CPP we believe our understanding shapes the way we speak, and the way we speak shapes the way we understand. So, we prefer the term self-worth (or even social-worth) instead of self-esteem. Why? Well, self-esteem invokes the image pf an internal self unaffected by the outside world. It is in essence understood as the way we feel about ourselves regardless of how anyone else feels about us. Ever heard someone say “You gotta hype yourself up cuz can’t nobody build your self-esteem but you…that’s why it’s SELF esteem”?
That understanding doesn’t do due justice to the way other people make us feel. We don’t exist in vacuums that protect us from feeling the sting of harsh critique or the confidence boost from a timely compliment.
Growth-fostering relationships help improve our self-worth in many different ways. When we are in the types of relationships that allow us to feel all the feels, don’t paint us as “selfish” or “weak” for having emotions, challenge our negative self-talk, and gas us with the truth of how truly amazing we are… we tend to start to believe it for ourselves. Not only that, when we are given space to express ourselves, and that expression moves and impacts someone else, we realize we do have some sway in this world. We can see by how we make others feels, how truly valuable and powerful we really are. When others hold space for us, we feel at least a little better about holding our own.Connection | becoming community
Connection is vital to life because it entails becoming a part of a community. We are all about community at CPP because many hands make the load light. For us, being in community means getting a helping hand when your load is too heavy; and, it also means being the one offering to shoulder another’s load for a while.
When you are in growth-fostering relationships, you got peeps that help you with the ups and downs of life. You feel freer and lighter, but also deeper and richer. You feel able to stand on your own two feet, yet know you don’t have to stand alone. These experiences of being seen and being supported lend themselves to seeing and supporting others. It’s like a little light you have inside, and you just can’t help but to let it shine.
You’ve had the experience of other’s being there for you, making space for you, and lifting you toward your dreams.
Long story short
Growth-fostering relationships fill us up. They create opportunities for us to be pushed and pulled out of our comfort zones so we can experience the fullness of life. In having varied life experiences, we come to know ourselves more completely; and feel open to knowing others as well. We begin to find our place- feel connected to ourselves, others, and the world as a whole. In that connection we not only feel supported enough to take risks, but to do so with creativity and pizazz. We ultimately come to know that our light shines on others in sparkling brilliance, that we are valuable and irreplaceable, that we have power and influence, and that we are worthy of partnership and peace.
Want to connect with a therapist who can help you build growth-fostering relationships? Book your free consultation today.
dr.kay is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Partnership and Peace— a Houston, Texas based consortium of relational experts. CPP offers therapy and coaching for individuals, couples, families, and corporate communities.